讨厌印度

周部说让我去印度，我听后别提多难过了。不知道怎么搞的，我就是不想去印度，可能是因为那里比起我们这里差很多吧。可是还是没有办法，说是让我去考察一下业主，看他有有能力上我们这个项目不，勉得等我把把活做出来了，他们又嫌贵上不了，我们白挨累。

不想去的另一个原因可能就是恋家，恋老婆，一天不在一起就心里空落落的，这可能也是我没有什么大出息的原因吧，呵呵，有出息的人，都不恋老婆的。

讨厌归讨厌，也不能不去。哎，更惨的是，我要一个人回来，没有大队人马共行，只身一人，会有一些危险。没办法，机票都买好了，飞德里。据说德里的机场还不如沈阳的桃仙机场呢，想想看，这样一来，那个国家的情况也就可以类比出来了。

去就去吧，算是给人生一个新的经历，回来没准还能写点关于印度的文字。

东方破晓了

经过了近一个星期的挣扎，实际也就是最近这三两天，我终于又看到了胜利的曙光——明天再改一改，AMT的ASDS项目的Technial Proposal就可以交领导审核了。当然，还有一个Commercail Proposal在等着我呢，不过，有了这个Technial Proposal的底，它也不会晚于这周出炉的。

这些日子一直在抱怨自己得了抑郁症，为这个jane还说了一句，呵呵。她还小，知道的东西还是有限的，而且是个学文的出身，又是那感性的一个人，对抑郁症的了解也是仅限于字面上的理解，我也就不能说她点儿什么了。

九月份写了一个“如释重负”，那也是在完成了一个报价之后写出来的。那个报价的主要工作也是在突击了几夜才完成，和眼前的这工作走的是同一条路——一直没有进展，等到最后的日子里突击完成——这样的结果就是在做完一个项目报价之后就精疲力尽了。

一直处在一个紧张的状，夜里干久工作，效果又不好，不出活儿，心情也就不好，所以也有些日子没有和老婆做爱了。昨天她例假刚完，可能是有了欲望，于是和她做了一回。不过不知道是因为什么原因，这回她好象并没有十分满足，害得我又和她腻了一阵子，用手帮她高潮了一次。

以后可不能再这样工作下去了，要每天都有工作进展，这样才不至于把自己拖得要死，也不能和老婆性福生活了，呵呵。

东方破晓了，新的一天要开始了，我也不应该走昨天的老路了，呵呵，加油加油！！！

午饭前祈祷

主啊，

快让能完完全全投入我的工作中吧，以让我能在下周一前完成手里的工作。

主啊，

快让我从抑郁中解脱出来，以让我能以一个全新的面貌开始以后的工作，不再被不能集中精力工作而痛苦。

感谢主赐我食！！！

阿门！！！

blogspot.com解禁了

今天下午，出去办了点儿事，晚回了一会。

一进门，见到Jane的留言“blogger 好象又恢复了”，打开Firefox一试果然能上了。

真不知道这回能维持多久。

从网上看，好象还不只中国一家对它进行过屏蔽，知道的有几个伊斯兰国家，中国是伊斯兰国家？呵呵，有些象？

Jane提到了刚刚结束的十几大，说在这期间怎么会解禁呢？哎，年轻呀，如果它的被禁真的与这个党有关，那现在正是解封的好时候，这正向世人显示它的开明，它的恩惠。还有，别忘了，它这次会议中又强调了“解放思想”，封禁blogspot显然与那个“解放思想”不想称。

不管怎么说，blogspot又回来，又可以上了，不用再通Reader去读我想读的blog了，而且又可给别人写comment了，尤其可以给Jane写了。

有的时候写Weblog就象做爱，不是一个人的独角戏，得有人写有人评。这样才不会成为一个人的自慰，虽然自慰在很多时候是不可或缺的。记得第一次踏入Blogger这片天地，就是和Jane一起来的，开始写的时候，真有点做爱般的美妙感觉。希望这回解禁，我能坚持写把它写起来，找回我那做爱般的美妙感觉。

控制论

以前听说过有人写过控制论，但未曾读过。不过我在今天晚上的工作中体会到，几乎所有事情都成在“控制”之上。没有控制，几乎一事无成。

完成一项工作，要通过对主体和客的控制才能完成；戒烟，是通过对自己控制以远离烟草来实现；一个人的节操，是通过对欲望和恐惧的控制得以保全；一个企业的成功也是通过对企业的人、财、物的控制——即管理，才得以实现。

一切事物的运作都是通过控制得以实现，只不过是对控制用不同的词汇加以解释，对其内容加以细化了。

对控制作用的认知也是通过对自己清醒头脑的控制得以实现的。

控制——实现一切的基础，不能没有控制，要学会控制！

又开始水深火热了

十一长期刚刚结束，我还没有从休假的状态中恢复回来，就又被部长安排下了一个不好干的差事。哎，水深火热白日子又开始了。

其实这个项目的工程内容要比刚做完的那个少得多，只相当于前一个的一个子项，可是它商务部分要求得要比前一个的多，它的重要性也比前一个大，领导的重视程度也大了，这压力也就大了。没办法，看起来，又得硬着头皮往前赶了，做到哪步算哪步了。

十一假期期间，回了一趟吉林，为的是参加弟弟的婚礼。连来带去，花费了我五天的宝贵时间，为了弟弟，也算值了。

这让我想到了Jane的婚事，她一直在躲避她的婚事，不想谈论它。其实，也没有什么，整个过程只不过是让自己的和对方的长辈们风光一下，自己只是在他们的安排下，演个戏罢了。顺便留下点影象，以备多年以后自己回忆之用。

刚听弟弟说要结婚，还是想去参加婚礼的，可是后来听说对方家长说道挺多的，心里就生出了厌烦情绪，于是说了不想去的意思，惹得弟弟心情不太爽。于是，自然是我道歉，暗骂自己何苦叫这个真儿呢，他也就这么一次，去了也就是充充门面，又不是主角，想那么多做什么？

事实也是这样，我想得太多了。顺其自然，一切也都过去了，皆大欢喜！

呵呵，怎么地也比我面对这个项目的感受好得多。

如释重负

很久没有来这里写下一点什么了，没有别的原因，主要是没有时间。也可能是没有心情写，也可能是没有什么可写的，总之就是没有写。

今天，刚刚把一个报价报出去，突然有了心情来这里看看，想多少留下几个字儿。

七月末以来，就一直被笼罩在这项目报价的阴影下。说实在的，当部长让我接这个工作，并通知我出去开会，我的心里就不痛快。工作没有这么做的，我还没有搞明白工作内容，都怎么做呢，居然就让我开始做工作，至少应该有一个人指导我一下也好呀。

但是，事实是无人指点，可能被指派来指点我的人自己也不是太明白，要不就是他不想指点我。哎，这下苦了我了，象个没头的蝇子。也苦了这工作了，也许换个人会把这个工作做得更好一些。

不管怎么样，总算是完了，不用再为它熬到凌晨3点才去睡觉，也不用再为它东跑西颠了，晚上睡学都会安心。

心情舒畅呀。

新的工作环境

头一天正式到科室里来上班，心里总是觉得不太得劲（方言，有点舒服的意思）。

人头一次来，所以什么东西也没有，都得自己整理安排。桌椅电脑都没有就位（桌上堆了别人的杂物，电脑横躺在桌子下面，椅子没有）。

好在办公室还有一个为人挺好的刘姐，她跟我介绍了一下哪些东西是属于我的，哪些不是，还让工程秘书给我报领电脑桌和椅子。我也不能干等着，自己动手收拾吧。

我最关心当然是电脑，看了它的外壳，我的心就凉了，旧的。连好了线，开了机，系统是Windows 2000，心就更凉了，一定是别人用剩下来的。最可气的是，还没有鼠标。

邻桌的电脑上放着一个没有开封的鼠标，会不会是给我的呢？于是打开了，我想人来了和他说一声，如果是他个人的，领个新的再还给他不就得了（这人就是我这电脑的前主人，因为电脑里的Office中的签名是他的，还有很多地方留下了他的名字）。

NND，这个傻X来了，我和他说了，我用了那个鼠标，这傻X说是他领的，没有换上，MD，好象还有点不悦。算个什么事儿呀，一个破双飞燕的鼠标，又是从领的，又不是买的，我领了还他个新的不就得了，这

人怎么这个德行（我自已没有经过人家允许就给人家的处女鼠标开了包，还说人家，是不是有点太阴暗了:D）。

因为这系统用着不爽，所以我要重装系统，于是我就问他，这个机器是不是他以前用过的，有没有重要的东西需要拷出去，TNND，他说他从来没有用过这机子，MD，把我当傻X了？在电脑方面我和他比起来，可以说是他祖宗了，还来和我说这个谎！看来他现在用的电脑应该是分给我的，我一年多没有来科里报到，NND，他给我用了。好，你不是不承认吗？那我就动大手术了，硬盘上的东西，一个不留，统统删掉，系统重装，换了Windows XP（看来这个破电脑还真是他给我换的，谁也不会想用这个破玩意儿，配置太低，上了XP慢得要死）。

不爽，实在是不爽，电脑慢得象牛拉车，没有internet可连，工作的时间，就是与外界隔绝的时间。郁闷呀。以往几乎每天都能见到的Jane也没法见到了，回家后也基本没有时间上网了，老婆的侄女要我给她辅导，结果每天回到家中已经是8，9点钟了，在这炎热的天气里，这么晚了，也就没有了心情再上网了。真是不知道这样的日子怎么个过法。

也许是因为我目前的工作任务还没有吧，人一闲下来，这样那样的问题就都凸现出来了。

Could Love Be A Problem?

Could love be a problem? For me, now, yes, it is a problem. Some one can not get ride of loving me and want to come to visit me, it is not supposed to be like this. I have done nothing that should lead it to get this situation, at least I think so. I just taught her English on the net via UC, a kind of instant message communicating software, and that happen months ago when I was in South Africa.

But now, when I got back to China, and met her again, she got so excited and said that she loved me.

Since she told me she loved, we have met several time on net. And each time I tried my best to lead her away from the topic of loving or liking of me, and carried on the English teaching. That was I most want to do to her on the net.

Why could it be like this? Jane once said that the attitude that I took when I treated women online was not correct, it should be according to the principle of "WHIT COURTESY, BE RESTRAINED ("有礼有节", I think it should be quoted from "有理，有利，有节"，and be modified)".

Jane might be right, the courtesy that I showed to the women when I was with them online should be restrained, controlled. But how could I do it? what should it be like?

It is a real new beginning

It was later than the time we normally leave from our office, but the other two my colleagues from ACRE, Dong and Sun, were still in meeting with the OWNER and the designers, and I could not wait any more, I could not bear the torture of being seen sitting there doing nothing, I have to leave.

We have been arranged to eat at the Great Geng Wu Mess restaurant, and without the other two, or any one of them, I do not want to have my dinner there. Therefore, I went to the Jin Ke Long Supermarket, the biggest supermarket near the Capital Mansion, which only has small service area of two floors, to buy a bag of Kangshifu instant noodles and two tins of lemon flavour Yanjing beer, and went back home, the flat I live in during my working period at CITIC International Cooperation Company in Beijing.

It is a real new beginning, today, I was informed that I had offically left from the South Africa Project Office and went back to the Overseas Industrial Department, which meant that my premium would not be paid by the South Africa Project. I was one of the last two to leave from the project, which I had worked on for two years, the other one is Fangsheng, the best brother of mine.

I called back Anshan to Mr. Liu, who is my direct leader for the previous project and the living project, and who informed me about the leaving. Feeling a little bit lost, I called my wife back home, and talked a litte about the leaving, which made me feel a little bit better.

Sun came back when I was chewing the boiled noodle, after salutation routine, he called back Anshan to his wife the had his bath, afterwards,locked himself in his bed room never came out. For me, Lol. setting here, conducted this post, to record what happened this day. Sound sad, doesn't it?

In the afternoon, Ying told me that the new mission for me, which I had talked to him in the morning, to work together in the Contract and Business Group, had been comfirmed by Mr. Jiang and would be confirmed by his direct leader after his trip to Shanghai, He was leaving for Shanghai this afternoon.

Finishing working in South Africa Project group, new mission in the business group of Brazil CSA project, chewing instant noodle alone, and immigrated to blogspot.com to creat a new blog for myself, this is a real new beginning, isn't it?

Loving Her

Ok, let me sit down and put what in my mind down here before it gets out of my mind.

I think I begin to love this little woman now so that I want to put the words describing what I think about her here to let her read it,which was not what I wanted to do before.

Why? Except for loving her, I can not give any other reason.

Later than 17:30, and it was the time for to leave for home, for her man, and it was the time I felt a little bit pitty 'cause I could not talk to her until 8:00 next morning, when she comes to work.

Why do I say that I am loving her? I think the only reason, from bottom of my hear, I want her to love me too. I can not imagine a man does not love the woman whom he does not want to love him. That is the evidence, no doubt about it.

What kink of love is it? Can I designate that? No, of course not, as I can not give her a reason to love me. It might be a Platonism, what else could it be, we have never seen each other in person, she is much younger than I am......whatever.

Anything else? I think yes. I want to get into her mind, her soul, by which the son of bitch can be driven out of her mind, her soul, far away from her body, which is left just for her man, the lucky guy who is going to marry her in not a long time. ah, I even want to go there to scheme an assassination to remove the funk inside her.

Are these evidence of loving her enough?

A New Beginning

Something is going wrong with Jane's blog at spaces.live.com, and this conducted our, mine and hers, immigration from spaces.live.com to here, a totally new weblog posting place.

Last night, after the eating out with Dong, sitting in my small bed room, awaked up my Toshiba Portege A100, Jane's blog of "比喻" still up there on the screen. But, after I clicked the post button to send out my comment to her 比喻, the hell thing happened, I couldn't access to her blog.

I had to save the comment to my blog at spaces.live.com, and sent a short message to Jane to ask if she blocked me from accessing her blog, the answer absolutely was "no", she had not blocked me.

What the hell is going on!!

Today, we made decision, hers and mine, to immigrate to www.blogger.com, which is served by Google.

So, now, hereby, I wrote down what happened to cause me and her to establish new gardens here at blogspot.com

Hope we can enjoy us here, God bless us, God bless Google, and God bless blogspot.com